You love it when I write two blogs at once, I know you do.
Well, well, well. Who’d a thunk it? Someone who has had perennial procrastination problems, who stopped going to school because it was so difficult (but wasn’t naughty) who always manages to pull things out of the bag last minute (don’t worry about the weeping with stress and the week long lie down I will need later- I CAN GET THIS DONE!), who has no intuitive concept of time and just copies punctual people, gets anxious filling in forms and applying for things, schedules everything or forgets about it completely, reads then immediately forgets to reply to emails, can’t keep focused on what it is she wants to achieve unless someone else tells her often and there is a deadline… Yes, who would have thought this person has ADHD?!
Not me. I have to be honest and say until 2 months ago I didn’t even know what ADHD was, I just assumed it was something that little boys had, you know the stereotype, fidgeting, kind of annoying, a bit disruptive in class but probably well meaning and I thought maybe you could describe a kid as “a bit ADHD” if you’d given them a bunch of skittles and they were bouncing off the wall… That’s one stereotype and that’s because it is the face of the hyperactive element of ADHD- hardly any people are aware of the inattentive type of ADHD which many girls suffer from but is also under-diagnosed in boys for the same reasons- the symptoms are more internalised and less likely to be disruptive to other people and therefore not demanding attention (ha!) and treatment.
I have been given a diagnosis of ADHD and am on the threshold for ASD1 (what we used to call high functioning autism or Aspergers) which explains a lot of my sensory issues and the fact that I like to wear the same thing every day (black leggings, black shorts, black top- what?!) and have specific routines which must be observed and if plans change I actually feel panicky and cross. I’m focusing on the ADHD diagnosis at the moment as this has some treatable elements and are the most disruptive to my life but will circle back to the ASD diagnosis at a later date if we (me and the psychiatrist) feel like some of the issues have not been eased by treating the ADHD.
Until recently when I had to reflect on it I would not have even said I had a problem with concentration, I would have described my problems with low energy levels- I might be hanging out the washing… but hanging out washing is boring and makes me feel tired... so I then decide to go somewhere else and sit down or just do something else…. I realise now it is tiring to sustain your attention on a boring task like hanging out washing if you have ADHD and me wandering off is a symptom but I still wouldn’t have said I couldn’t concentrate on the task because that makes me sound “stupid” and incapable instead the language I use is ”that task is boring and I don’t have the energy for it right now.”
I think this is important because like a lot of diagnosis criteria in medicine they have been adapted from questions aimed at men or in this case, questions aimed at kids which have been adapted for adults and some of the diagnostic criteria is ridiculous like “do you fidget or get up and walk around in meetings when you should be sitting still?” Of course as an adult and particularly as a woman you are going to have learned you cannot act like this in a work place and therefore don’t do it because you need to keep a roof over your head etc… so I’m just saying if you are curious about whether you have ADHD rather than dismissing your behaviour as not fitting the criteria first off- examine the language you use to describe your own behaviour and see if there is a disruption in energy or attention or concentration or however you word it (but it all amounts to same thing). If you want a fair assessment you need to be able to use the same language as the diagnostic criteria so I would familiarise yourself with it and think about how to interpret your own ways of describing what happens for you. I really recommend an ebook by the gals at www.iampayingattention.co.uk they have diagnoses of ADHD and ASD and have written a kick ass workbook to help you sift through and understand the criteria and how it applies to you as grown up woman and not a hyperactive boy.
I also probably wouldn’t have admitted that I get bored and shift my attention mostly because I wasn’t really aware: my mind is extremely busy and the hops from one thing to next are so fast and almost impossible to track so I just would have moved onto something else “naturally” and maybe come back to it later when I happened to see it or think of it- and FYI my record for re-washing laundry that has gone mildewy in the machine from being forgotten (again) is 5 times but I regularly wash the same washing twice. What can you do?!
I found secondary school difficult and withdrew but I couldn’t tell you why exactly- I actually blamed the teachers- I thought they were stupid and I was clever and they just weren’t stimulating me enough. I found socialising problematic but just thought I was a “weird kid” or conversely that everyone else was boring and provincial and there was something better for me out there somewhere. This is also really common in people with ADHD- defecting blame on to others because deep down you know the problem is you- because everyone else is managing- but you don't know what the problem is or how to fix it or even how to describe it, I didn't have the language as an adult let alone as a child. Even now, I know I need "help" with tasks but I don't know what kind of help it is exactly (if I knew what to do and how to do it I would do it, probably...maybe?!) which is why I've always managed to bluff my way through supervision meetings without ever getting the help I actually needed because things like concentration and attention on tasks are integral to everything we do and therefore in-extractable because there is an assumption you can just do them- and if you can't... well how to do you tell a university professor you just didn't do the things they told you to do- what possible excuse is there for getting in your own way?
ADHD is and is not an excuse but it's certainly a reason. I'm working on finding out the areas I have that need more scaffolding and support- having this diagnosis is helpful to me because it provides a framework based on people with similar issues but also there is a comfort in knowing I am not the only one who has these problems and with support they are surmountable. Rather than thinking "...wow I messed that up again, go me..." I can have more compassion for myself and recognise my limitations in some areas and acknowledge other areas where I will surpass others. I know not everyone can get a diagnosis but take comfort in the fact that if you have a lot of evidence that your life is impacted by these issues then you probably do have ADHD and that means you can use all the same hacks and advice whether diagnosed or not- a lot of people I know are self diagnosed- it's not a lesser form of ADHD.
So I just had my baseline physical tests done which you need to have done before starting ADHD medication- which will probably start in the next month and I will let you know how it goes. In the meantime I am organising a few ADHD coaching sessions to help understand/ build the executive functioning skills/ processes I lack because although I know medication can helpI just don’t know some of this stuff - the how to do things- and I need some help with learning what to do/when to reach goals in a measured way as opposed to the haphazard, last minute way I currently “get things done”.
I look forward to sharing more of this journey with you and thought it might be good to chart the highs and lows as they are happening to me, I was diagnosed about a month ago so this is all very new for me. Please feel free to send me a message or leave a comment if you are also on a similar journey, I have heard from so many people who have either been diagnosed or suspect a diagnosis recently and I'm here for it- whatever helps us understand ourselves better is a good thing.
Much Love