Where have I BEEN?!
Christ on a bike it's been a while! Yes I guess was distracted with the Neurodivergent Creatives Network and The ADHD Music Producer projects… which has now become The ADHD Music Coach (find out more at https://www.theadhdmusiccoach.com) which is also me because we ADHDers love to find, make and wear many hats don't we!
Like my book dominos in the photo? I'm definitely reading them all I promise- I just like to have lots of books on the go!
Keeping it realsies:
I’ve been feeling kind of crappy lately, I had another bout of labyrinthitis recently which is still affecting my balance and seems to have decided to just keep hanging out with me/my inner ear. Aside from this though have been feeling I don’t know, unhappy I guess? Having a little break from work a few weeks ago gave me the space I needed to have a little inner exploration. I was struggling to verbalise what I was feeling but then I came across this article:
Why am I filled with nostalgia for a pre-internet age I never knew? | Isabel Brooks | The Guardian
And realised this is it or at least part of it. I’d fallen into a trap of filling every scrap of my time and space with consuming content and it was at the point where it had become just a reflex: Waiting for 5 seconds? Whip phone out and scroll for more info on my latest obsession. Cooking dinner? Put a show on in the background, need a break? Watch some content, absorb another show.
And there is always more and it’s never enough.
I realised I'm never giving my brain the chance to be creative and free and just sit with thoughts or expand my mind in different ways- I just insert content here, there and in every possible space I might have for self expression or exploration- I’m just giving it a dead end BUT I feel entertained and satiated in the moment because: dopamine and adhd and the way society is today.
The lack of “lack” in my life has become a problem for me and one that I realise is made worse by my adhd and not being able to self regulate as easily as others. As a result I feel sick, of myself and the way I’ve just been coasting and wasting this precious life- feeling this whilst also trying to be kind to myself!
I use technology and the internet a lot so I’m not knocking it for its connectivity perks and convenience but when everything is available all the time and you have a perennial problem with intrinsic motivation it’s a toxic environment to try to operate in
I’m not standing on a soap box judging either, I’ve just had this realisation for myself and wanted to share it incase it resonated and perhaps to put a line in the sand and make sure I maintain this realisation moving forward.
What am I doing about it?
I’m trying out:
- Having a no tv/news/scrolling rule for weekdays
- Buying or borrowing more analog items (eg physical books, music and newspapers)
- Creating a list and links of all the courses I’ve signed up to (and actually doing them instead of scrolling)
- Brain dump journaling most days in the vein of “The Artist's Way” to help free my brain up for creativity
- Getting up early
- Taking my medication consistently
Whats working?
I can tell you that I’ve started 10 different songs since I allowed my brain to actually just be- I feel very inspired like I’ve woken up from a very boring dream where I was just watching things happen to other people.
I'm finding journalling useful not to read back and process but in the the act of brain dumping when I get that feeling of something being on my mind…I'm just writing it down- you could try voice notes if you prefer. The way this has become easier for me than perviously is that I'm not being precious about a particular fancy notebook, I've got one by my bed, one in my studio and one in my bum bag (naturally)- it's function that is important not the place here (for me at least, you do you).
What's challenging?
My god it is hard to stop my compulsive news habit and I've tried more than once to pinch zoom photos in the physical newspaper, I'm also like Kevin in Home Alone 2- "TV is my life" but as I'm not 8 years old anymore, maybe it shouldn't be… anyway I'm giving myself the weekend free to look at news and tv so I don't crack and I'm hoping this makes the content watching more enjoyable with less double screening going on. Will update!
And you?
How about you? Where do you feel a lack of lack in your life? How can we be more analog while embracing the merits of time and labour saving technology? maybe that's a blog post for another time!