This is long epic blog, get a cuppa. It's the blog I was supposed to have posted last month on the anniversary of my one year without sweets and over a year of doing daily exercise. At the bottom are my top tips for weight loss and building healthier habits, scroll down if my babbling bores you!
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS DISCUSSION OF FOOD ISSUES AND SUGAR ADDICTION INCLUDING BINGE EATING, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF IT WILL UPSET YOU AND YOUR PROGRESS. I AM NOT A DOCTOR (OBVS) I'M JUST A PERSON WHO IS TRYING TO OVERCOME THEIR OWN SUGAR AND FOOD OBSESSIONS AND BECOME A PERSON WITH A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE, THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS AND EXPERIENCE ONLY AND MAY OR MAY NOT WORK FOR YOU, SEEK SOME SUPPORT FROM YOUR GP IF YOU FEEL YOUR ISSUES ARE DEBILITATING TO YOUR LIFE, SCARY TRIGGER WARNING OVER!
Just over a year ago today I started a personal challenge called 75 days of daily exercise and also took the even more daunting decision to stop eating sweets (candy). If you have read any of my previous blogs you will know I was obsessed with sweets and most of my days were filled with sugar from beginning to end. I thought about sweets all the time, where I could get them, when I’d enjoy them and how I’d hide them so I didn’t have to share them with anyone else. I knew where all the sweets were in the house and thought about where I’d get my next supply. It was a special relationship you might say, just me and my sweeties and if it sounds like an addiction that’s because it is/was/is. I’d wanted to give it up before because although I enjoyed eating sweets, I often felt ill afterwards and I just didn’t enjoy the control sweets seemed to exert on me but I was never able to stop for any notable length of time. In the preceding months to April last year I had managed to build a daily yoga habit which then became a daily exercise/ workout habit which helped me realise I could stick at something I had decided to do for my health. This new found reliability (to/for myself) gave me the confidence to make the plunge and give being sweet-free a try.
I can tell you with confidence that I am still sweet-free over 1 year later and I hope I won’t go back to needing them (*I don’t*) but it is a daily challenge for me to keep making the decision to say no- I don’t want them in the habitual way I once did but it feels like if I started maybe I wouldn’t be able to stop, so I won’t start. You might be like, “this is not a serious issue- some people have real problems with addiction and this ain’t it”… but excess sugar IS harmful for our bodies and causes a variety of long term problems including insulin resistance, whole body inflammation, liver problems, hormonal regulation issues, obesity, let alone diabetes.
So what am I saying with the above title of this blog? I’m saying that the food or sugar obsession which was ruling my life/is currently ruling your life (I'm making some big assumptions here!) is masking some other issue or issues which the addiction is helping you hide from (or giving you some relief from). I know this sounds obvious but the reason I’m stating it overtly is because I didn’t think so (for myself). I was adamant that I just liked the taste of hyper-sweet things and that was that. It’s enjoyable so why should I stop? But food issues are so personal and complex it is rarely easily traceable to one problem and therefore not easily fixable which is why so many of us have ongoing food issues. I have gone into more detail about how I tackled the building different habits to increase exercise/decrease sugar in previous blogs so won’t go on about it here.
As mentioned in my last blog I am currently looking into exploring a diagnosis for ADHD and I already know I have some sensory processing sensitivities- dislike of bright lights/ bright lights make me nauseous/ unable to cope with background noise/ honing in on noises other people can ignore/ people standing or sitting too close to me/ finding some smells unbearable/ overloading easily from too much “people input”/finding intense relief in being a dark quiet room…
My point is that because of these sensitivities I probably did purely enjoy the taste of sugary stuff in my mouth and couple that with (possible ADHD) looping/ forgetting of how it made me feel afterwards or not being able to retain the negative long term consequences of excessive sugar consumption or know how to change my behaviour then yes why wouldn’t I carry on? We can also throw in a strong association of consuming sugar with both comfort and commiseration, restricted access to food as a child, and add in a need to have something to control in your life and voila you have a food addiction.
I have also come to understand that many people diagnosed with ADHD have substance or alcohol misuse issues as well as an affiliation with sugar consumption and it is easy to see why- the substance gives you a dopamine hit which your body and brain is trained to constantly chase and I can certainly see that in myself- sugar hits were giving me the dopamine I was missing- I had no idea about how my ADHD was affecting me when I tried to solve this problem by myself last year but I did know it was not the solution I wanted to keep coming back to. The ADHD diagnosis helps me understand this compulsion and myself better but it does not help me in terms of untangling the emotional attachments and very personal reasons for seeking comfort in food- this work still needs to be done every single day.
All of these issues are real and I’m not belittling them- they all need to be treated with the care and attention they need for satisfactory resolution. But... once I started facing some of these issues (and actually some of it I only started facing earlier this year when I went vegan on Jan 1st 2022) I realised when you take the emotional association away from food, it’s just... Food. And then…?
And then.
Food is not the thing you are looking for
I was pacing around thinking: If I can’t have a Mars bar, well what do I bloody want then? Ah. The big question. What do any of us want? To be fulfilled, to be loved, to be seen, to have our achievements recognised, to be able to live by our values, to have meaningful relationships with people, to connect, to be somebody to someone, to achieve and maintain self worth, to contribute to the world we live in… But those are big questions and surely when you’re just looking for distraction you’re just doing that, it’s not complicated? Wrong, humans always want their needs met, we just have to get better at working out what is going on within ourselves so we can firstly meet our own needs and then ask people for help if we need it rather than reaching for the usual things you do which are meeting your initial self comfort needs but not serving you in the long run.
For example- you’re pacing around the house looking for something- and you think “I just fancy a bit of… something?” so you go and open the fridge and all the cupboards and stare at the contents. Spoiler alert! What you’re looking for is not in there. It’s in here (I’m pointing to your heart ok?) When I am seeking food but I’m not hungry what am I actually looking for? I am seeking comfort, the company of an old friend, a feeling of achievement, dopamine rewards, familiarity, pleasure… I’m talking about the experience of eating sweets here but you can see how actually what you really want is to connect to your emotions, to reach out to someone, to reconnect with your values.
When you have become used to stuffing yourself with food (or whatever) to block or mask your emotions it is pretty hard to sit with all the stuff that comes up when you are no longer deflecting and avoiding it. Most of the year I desperately wanted sweets but I wanted to see if I could maintain a promise to myself and it was that which kept me going initially because I was sick of the cycle of broken resolutions- I wanted to see if I could finally practice self-worth.
Sometimes I feel this way (seeking something which I think is food) and it’s because I’m procrastinating over starting or finishing a job I’m working on and I’m seeking to block myself with food (or whatever) because basically there is a disconnect between your values and what you are currently doing - your values might be: I like to get my work done for clients in a timely fashion so there is plenty of time to make changes, the customer is happy and I get repeat business vs what you are actually doing which is: Nothing, except not just nothing you are actively looking for something to stuff in the gap that is created by you not doing what you actually do want to do based on your values- so you also feel bad about the thing (food) and therefore “food” has a negative connotation as well so you find it hard to enjoy food in and of itself. Told you it was complicated! Sometimes it might be that you want a human connection with someone and you should just get in touch with a person and have a conversation (a real person you know and not just a twitter argument... although I have heard they can be fulfilling to some people!).
Because I recently went vegan (have I mentioned it before?!) I have had to deal with a second wave of: Ah yes the food is not the thing. I found myself sharking the kitchen (circling round and round the fridge and cupboards, going away and coming back again). I felt the existential dread I initially felt around letting go of sweets- *but what is the point of living if you can’t eat sweets?!* And had to have a little word with myself about this again. I mean when you give up anything there is a period of grieving of some kind and although I do love the animals and the planet- most of my reasons for becoming vegan were personal and due to being lactose intolerant and (having a health problem which is aided by an non-inflammatory diet), I didn’t eat a lot of meat or dairy anyway so it wasn’t a massive shock to the system but still it was a change to adjust to mentally and emotionally.
But on the whole, going vegan (have I mentioned?!) has been very positive for me, I have to think a lot more carefully about what I eat before I eat it and as someone who could spend hours mindlessly overeating well past the point of satiation this is not a bad thing. I find I’m actually eating a lot more intuitively, I feel hunger a lot more because I’m mostly eating meals instead of constantly grazing and I’m not constantly thinking about exciting foods because food has become less exciting to me and I don’t mean that in a sad way I mean that food needed to become less exciting for me for me to able to put it where it belongs ie. Fuel. Don’t get me wrong I still eat vegan choc and cake and have a particular soft spot for two bristol vegan cafes that serve delicious vegan junk food and donuts (VX and Future donuts respectively).
I’m not saying I’ve got the whole thing figured out but I can tell you over the past year I have lost and maintained 2 stone (give or take a few pounds here and there) which I have never managed to do in the history of me- sure I have lost and gained weight in the past but it was always because of short term restriction and/or incredible amounts of unsustainable exercise for an event I wanted to “look good for”. Since last January I have been building a daily exercise habit and although I don’t always consistently do a workout every single day- I do work out most days and I do always try to go for a walk every day. Occasionally I don’t do this but this is now a rarity whereas it used to be more rare for me to leave the house for a short walk let alone for exercise (and this pre-dates lockdown so I don’t have that excuse).
I used to scoff when experts would say things like: you need to build healthy habits to truly lose weight and maintain it, and “there are no shortcuts” or my favourite Matrix/Yoda-esque one: “There is no diet” and I’d think yeah but if I just eat (insert random diet) and do some olympic athlete style training for six weeks, I will lose weight so that’s rubbish and of course I’ll maintain it… I’ll show you experts! Well, indeed…
It’s very hard to lose weight but if you ever have tried to shift a bulk of weight and succeeded on a quick fix diet the only thing you maintain after losing the weight is this idea that you can just do it again any time you like- in your mind that option is always available to you so who cares if you binge eat right now?… it’s a little damaging to think this way and that’s putting it mildly. I’m definitely now more in the maintenance for life camp (although actually I am aiming to lose another two stone to get to a healthy BMI) and I’m slowly slowly working towards my goals which I would have never countenanced before- it would have been too slow and I would have lost interest. I have been trying to build healthier habits- moving more, eating less and eating more whole foods and I’m doing ok, room for improvement but I’ve never held myself and my health in such high regard before and frankly it’s empowering.
Sharing this incase it resonates with anyone who has/ is struggling with food or sugar addiction and despairs that they will ever get to a healthier place with food. For me the answer has been living with more balance, more self care, self regard and recognising where I’m not acting in line with my values and making behavioural adjustments based on that. If you’re not hungry then food is not the thing you need, seek inside first!
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For those of you seeking "weight loss tips", here are my top 10:
1. WATER
2. HEALTHY EATING 80/20
3. INCREASE EVERY DAY MOVEMENT
4. GO OUTSIDE
5. FIND AN EXERCISE/SPORT YOU CAN LOVE FOR LIFE
6. MAKE EXERCISE WORK FOR YOU
7. WRITE IT DOWN:
8. ACCOUNTABILITY
9. DELAY DELAY DELAY
10. WHEN YOU FAIL DON'T GIVE UP
1. WATER
I know everyone bangs on about it but... drink more water! We are all dehydrated- this will make you feel less thirsty- and we often mistake thirst for hunger. Also, if you are vain like me, drinking water will help plump up your skin so you don't look quite so damn old.
2. HEALTHY EATING 80/20
Reduce your junk food intake- high fat, high salt, high sugar/processed foods have their place (Hello Birthday cake) but try the 80/20 approach so that 80% of your diet is more like whole foods and 20% is... not. This might mean if you had 5 meals a day (small!) or 3 meals and 2 snacks maybe one of those small meals or snacks might be "a treat" and the rest of the meals based on whole foods- this means you get a little of the high fat/salt/sugar food we all crave but it's not featuring in every meal- therefore 80/20! I have loosely been following this principle and have definitely seen a shift in myself from having every meal covered in sugar to wanting that less and eating more savoury and whole foods- and if I can, you can. You can also try intermittent fasting/ narrow eating window which I have tried but because I am trying to work towards eating intuitively (to eat what I want when I want- the idea being that you naturally want to eat healthier foods) the waiting and not eating doesn't really work for me... but a lot of people swear by it so give it a try if you're curious.
3. INCREASE EVERY DAY MOVEMENT
Move more- in your every day life- get up and move more and walk to more places, put on some skates, ride your bike, jog, scooter, or just walk... but move more- use your watch reminders or set a timer to get up every hour if it's possible. We all sit on our arses too much and it's a massive contributor to how crappy we can sometimes feel about ourselves and our bodies- humans are not meant to stay still all the time. MOVE MORE!
(*I just want to caveat this- as a chronic pain sufferer (endometriosis) there are times when I know I have to stay very still or the pain increases so please do not feel like I do not understand how hard just "moving more" can be, I absolutely do understand there are times when you just need to survive through a pain episode- and please trust me when I say I know. I really do know the depths to which severe chronic/ remitting pain plunges you - these are guidelines for when we are feeling well but maybe don't feel like doing these things..)
4. GO OUTSIDE
Get outside every day- it's essential for Vitamin D... and remembering there is a world out there. Most of us are deficient in Vitamin D- myself included, I take a supplement and there is evidence to suggest we all should be. Seeing some greenery (if it is possible in your area) is also meant to be calming. Apparently we should all be trying to get some sun on our skin (wear sunscreen!) before 12pm to help regulate our body clocks so we can sleep better.
5. FIND AN EXERCISE/SPORT YOU CAN LOVE FOR LIFE
Find an exercise or class you love and do it in the way that suits you (alone or with people)- it doesn’t have to cost money, there are loads of free classes online or YouTube. I’m not a runner but running is free and there are (in my area) local groups you can join if you prefer- these cost little or no money. I personally have found a love for pilates, barre, weights/met con/HIIT and have built these into a sustainable routine over the past year. If you like people and don't like exercising but enjoy the sociability aspect, try a team sport such as hockey, football or netball. I'd like to try Quidditch but don't think I'd like to run with a broom between my legs...
6. MAKE EXERCISE WORK FOR YOU
You are more likely to exercise or move more if you build it into your life in a sustainable way such as walking to/from places or using what I call “dead time”. When I drop my kid at a class I hate waiting around for an hour clock watching, so I tend to schedule my workouts for those times partly because I know I wouldn’t be able to get much else done in the time and partly because my ADHD makes it hard for me to wait/ do anything else (there’s a whole thing called “waiting mode”) so I use this “dead” time for exercise and make it work for me- of course if you prefer to stare at the wall in peace and quiet that is also a win! Other ways I fit exercise in is by harnessing momentum- for example when I’ve been on a walking errand and get back home, I’ll immediately grab the dog and “keep walking” so I’m getting a good chunk of exercise but I’ve tagged it on to a time when I’m already dressed for walking/out so it’s not such a big mind shift and before you know it you’ve crowbarred exercise in without thinking about it too much/ wasting much of your day. It might seem small and pointless but if you start with harnessing one bit of dead time or a forward momentum walk/jog once a week you’ll find you are building exercise in to your life in a way that doesn’t feel too jarring- which is the key to building it into your life in a way that is sustainable and actually works for you long term.
7. WRITE IT DOWN:
This is a form of accountability as below- but just for yourself (you can share it but trust me when I say no one will be fascinated by a list of the foods you have eaten that week- unless they are your personal trainer and it's their job of course!)- the idea behind writing a food diary is that you can't change anything when you don't know what to change. I recommend using a food tracker app for a few days to just see what you eat, just load it in, don't judge yourself, yes I ate the whole of the pizza and tub of ice cream, just write it down. It is true that we probably all consume too many calories without thinking about it and for me becoming more aware of what I was eating and when was a big step in working out what I was actually consuming versus what I thought I'd eaten (I can only remember that I had a stick of celery at 4pm, well done me!) and this process, although painful can be enough of a wake up call to see ok, actually I thought I was maybe consuming 2000 calories but actually it's more like 4000 and that explains a lot...or wow I eat a lot in the evenings when I'm watching tv... I don't recommend writing down what you eat every day for the rest of your life because that shit is boring and no one wants to replace negative habits with unhelpful anxiety provoking ones- we are aiming for a more neutral relationship with food and the idea is that over time you will naturally adjust your eating habits- at a restaurant you might prefer a starter and a main rather than all three courses or you might know you really want to eat the dessert therefore you just have a small plate first so you are able to enjoy the dessert you really fancied.
8. ACCOUNTABILITY
*Make yourself accountable- find an exercise or nutrition buddy to check in with regularly and be honest with them and yourself - when you know you’ll have to tell someone you didn’t make your exercise class again or you ate a whole pizza you might think differently- I am not saying that there won’t be valid reasons for either at some point however it’s the stories we tell ourselves that keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns sometimes and when it gets hard we fall back to what we know- which is: resisting change and self sabotage. When you are stuck in a cycle of emotional/non-intuitive eating and aren’t used to “doing the right thing for your body and mind” it can feel like you need to keep something for yourself and that it’s your right to do this or have this- it is of course- but the truth is many of us don’t intuitively know what the right thing to do is (because of negative/positive associations with food/exercise, habits and routines we have built up) and at times like this we need to just turn off our brain, follow the structure, be told what to do when- it’s as simple and as hard as just following the rules if you want to live a healthier life- accountability buddies will help with this.
9. DELAY DELAY DELAY
I use this all the time and it really helps if you're trying to reduce or kick a habit. So I would be desperate for say... a mars bar, I would then say ok, I'll eat my dinner first and then if I still really want the mars bar, I'll have it. Or I might remind myself that I had already had an ice cream that day (80/20!) and I could have the Mars bar as my treat tomorrow- (note that I'm not saying "no"). If you have a problem with overeating or with sugar addiction it might seem pointless and as if this would never work but I can tell you that it does. Your brain wants you to eat that mars bar on an empty stomach because it gets the biggest dopamine hit from it, your body experiences a massive hit of sugar which is associated with all the pleasant feels- if you have it after you've already eaten something (like real food) which has caused less of an overall sugar spike, then the "reward" for eating the mars bar at the end of a meal is much less- you get less pleasure from and therefore you don't actually want to eat it as often or as much- you actually might still eat the mars bar but only fancy a few bites). Try it. It might be my newly discovered ADHD brain but I often find if I distract myself or go away from the food source (so I can't see it) I will then forget about it. And I am someone who has never forgotten to eat a meal. I am saying this works because essentially you are not denying yourself- you are saying "Yes, I'll have it when... " which also gives you some control back even though you might feel a little petulant saying no to yourself- don't say "no", just say "later" and see what happens. Even if it works 1/5 times that's one less mars bar you've had and that's no bad thing- this could be just one of the tools for the armoury!
10. WHEN YOU FAIL DON'T GIVE UP
You will fail, we all do. You won't work out for weeks or eat take away three times in one week or not drink water or not go outside or you might binge eat. Give yourself a break and be kind. When you feel able to, have a little word with yourself and try to gain some understanding for yourself and the situation like you would do for a friend and then be ultra cool about it, "that's alright mate, I think we can see why this has happened- maybe we need to build a little more accountability in" or "maybe I'm enjoying my private stash of junk food just a little too much and it would be better to share it with someone and have it out in the open..." or maybe you think "I'm a piece of shit because I put on a stone in a week" (you haven't and you aren't) and this has caused you to spiral back into unhealthy habits because "what is the point?". Please don't generalise about yourself, you've had a blip, gain some understanding and compassion for yourself, let it go and move forward- change is hard: how will you approach the same situation next time? How could it be different? What tools can you use? Who could help you? You are not alone. You're being brave. We all fail, it just matters that we get back up again.